This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
