I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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