Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
