The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.