She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize