If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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