you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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