Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
