im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
