i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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