Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I am midnight drunk by noon
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
