Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
