wrigley field is MILF paradise
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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