I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
