I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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