Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.