I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
