my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
