In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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