i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
