I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
