mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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