I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
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