I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
