When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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