I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
