There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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