My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
