while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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