Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
