I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize