if i can run in heels then i can drive
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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