There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
