My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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