Don't make out with my wife yet
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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