we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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