You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
