Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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