I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
