Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
