you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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