Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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