so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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