I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
