I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
