every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
