I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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