He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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