Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
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