Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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