I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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