I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
