You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
home. puking in laundry basket.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
