look no pants
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
