I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
