He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
