Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
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Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
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Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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