I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
