mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
