I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
