So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he told me I talked like a deaf person
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
