so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
