dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
