I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
